When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!