ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.