The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%