HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.