In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The two types of wives
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
went fishing caught a bass
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
his wife is probably gonna see that
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.