Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
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*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My loaf of bread looks terrified
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?