A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
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GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Finally
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
honestly, i need both:
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.