[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon