HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
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So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.