Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?