Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Same pineapple, same
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.