Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
This was my dad’s browser history.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.