HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
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definitely did not do anything wrong
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y