*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York