I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.