her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
yeah 😭
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace