Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*