Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.