Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book