Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue