Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
You Might Also Like
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.