me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent