At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I’ve had relationships like this
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.