HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
As the Lord intended
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Zack Greinke stories are the best
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.