Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be