Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
thinking about a very short hotdog