A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there