When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!