That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”