HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The second world war should have been called world war returns
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”