her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
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liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”