HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
wtf is a larm clock?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.