HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
quarantine day 3
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house