HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
This was a bad idea all around
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.