Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
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Me, reading some of your tweets
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”