HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”