Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
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Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.