My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
termite twitter scares me
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.