Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Dammit Chief not again
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!