Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
This could’ve been an email.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.