her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend