Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.