Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
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Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …