Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
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Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.