Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The hardest thing Vision has to do
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!