Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never