Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Barbie gone wild
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.