I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
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*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪