Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
three things we don’t talk about
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
No way!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture