Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
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My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(